I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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