I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
dude. I can hear the air.
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