you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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