At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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