Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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