I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize