White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
