Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
