i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
