i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
