swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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