I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize