Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
