i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
zippers are such a cool invention
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
