real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
