last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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