Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize