covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize