he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
