there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
