I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
