he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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