I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
