What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
