There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
