Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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