i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
