i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
