OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
