Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he just fucked me for my cheese..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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