I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
