I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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