i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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