looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
