Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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