I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
