I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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