He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
