yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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