why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
