dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize