Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
