im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
