that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
