The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I AM VODKA MAN
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
