Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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