The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
