I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
