When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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