i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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