So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
