Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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