Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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