clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
