i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
