Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
