a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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