When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
