i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
