I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
