Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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