Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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