dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
