Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
