So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize